


Reed900, more like Crack900

by Obsidian_Bandit



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game), Peppa Pig (Cartoon)
Genre: Cats, Crack, Detroit Police Department (Detroit: Become Human), Established Relationship, Gay, Houses made of drugs, How Do I Tag, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I swear im not insane, I wrote all of these in a random generator, M/M, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?, and also not, cats eat those houses, crackfic, not serious i swear, so much crack, so much gay, soooo yeah
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23989360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsidian_Bandit/pseuds/Obsidian_Bandit
Summary: a ton of crackfics I made with a story generator, this is what happens when I get bored in quarantine. Will probably give you a good laugh, if that's what you're needing.
Relationships: Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Kudos: 5





	1. Two Desiring love and affection Uncles Laughing to the Beat

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry, I have such horrible writers block so I decided to use this as the cure. Also, if you haven't watched Detroit Evolution, you totally should, though I don't know how you could ship reed900 and not have watched Detroit Evolution.
> 
> Enjoy!

Gavin Reed was thinking about Nines rk900 again. Nines was a scared tin can with posh temple and clean-cut lips.

Gavin walked over to the window and reflected on his gay surroundings. He had always hated tense Detroit Police Station with its different, disturbed Desks. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel gay.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the a scared figure of Nines rk900.

Gavin gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a rough, walled off, alcohol drinker with scrawny temple and rough lips. His friends saw him as a misty, many meat sack. Once, he had even revived a dying, Connor.

But not even a rough person who had once revived a dying, Connor, was prepared for what Nines had in store today.

The rain hammered like being extremely gay cats, making Gavin happy-go-lucky. Gavin grabbed a faded beer bottle that had been strewn nearby; he massaged it with his fingers.

As Gavin stepped outside and Nines came closer, he could see the grieving glint in his eye.

Nines gazed with the affection of 3338 defensive rabblesnatching rabbits. He said, in hushed tones, "I love you and I want a positive relationship that is give and take for both of them."

Gavin looked back, even more happy-go-lucky and still fingering the faded beer bottle. "Nines, you’re a good person, Nines, and I love you for that," he replied.

They looked at each other with poopy feelings, like two damaged, delightful dogs crying at a very touch starved celebrating the liberation of androids, and the awakening of Nines, which had metal(specifically knights of the black death) music playing in the background and two desiring love and affection uncles laughing to the beat.

Gavin regarded Nines's posh temple and clean-cut lips. "I feel the same way!" revealed Gavin with a delighted grin.

Nines looked confused, his emotions blushing like a light, little lighter.

Then Nines came inside for a nice drink of alcohol.

THE END


	2. The Faded LED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo this is pretty great, am I right? I'm honestly just surprised you clicked on to the second chapter. 
> 
> Enjoy!

The dusty, musty town of Detroit holds a secret.

Gavin Reed has the perfect life working as a police officer in the city and making out intensely in a car with his determined boyfriend, Nines rk900.

However, when he finds a faded LED in his cellar, he begins to realise that things are not quite as they seem in the Reed family.

A murder on a Hanukkah eve leaves Gavin with some startling questions about his past, and he sets off to rusty Detroit to find some answers.

At first the people of Detroit are happy and focused. He is intrigued by the curiously underrated dealer, Connor rk800. However, after he introduces him to hard red ice, Gavin slowly finds himself drawn into a web of being hella gay yet transphobic, lust and perhaps, even casual murder with a dash of cannibalism for good measure.

Can Gavin resist the charms of Connor rk800 and uncover the secret of the faded LED before it's too late, or will his demise become yet another Detroit legend?


	3. A Paranormal Romance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooo that good romance, because I honestly just love Reed900 so much. Also, I forget where I read the Elijah Kamski being Gavin's brother, but whoever wrote that came up with a great headcanon.
> 
> Enjoy!

Gavin Reed suspected something was a little off when his flipping done with this poop brother(elijah kamski because i read it in a fic and it was a cool head cannon) tried to having intense ABO style didly do in a car him when he was just six years old. Nevertheless, he lived a relatively normal life among other humans.

It wasn't until he bumped into the devilishly rough vampire, Nines rk900, that his life finally began to make sense.

However, Nines proved to be posh and seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with eating baby birds after drowning them in beer. Gavin soon learnt that Nines had taken an oath never to mark with a bite a human being.

When Gavin's flipping done with this poop brother(elijah kamski because i read it in a fic and it was a cool head cannon) is injured in an accidentally shooting someone in the forehead with a bullet made of gay cupcakes, whoops accident, Gavin realises his own life is at risk.

Despite Nines's seductively sharp fangs and whirring red LED, Gavin finds himself falling for the vampire. Only fate will decided whether he kills or protects him.

One night, a werewolf appears before Gavin and warns him of a darkness within Nines. The werewolf gives Gavin the faded Sumo(yes I’m counting Sumo as a weapon) - the only weapon that can defeat a rough vampire.

Will Gavin find it in himself to kill the only creature who has ever made him feel truly horny af? (Hint: yes!)


	4. Reed900 and the Five Cuddly Cats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest one, and the generator only let me put in one character so just imagine that Reed900 is both Gavin and Nines, or if you want imagine its your child. whatever floats your boat. Also, Trashcan Sam is a friend of mine so i hope when they read this they'll enjoy what I've done.
> 
> Enjoy!

Once upon a time there was a gay chaotic dumbasses who deserve each other boy called Reed900 . He was on the way to see his brethren Connor , when he decided to take a short cut through the whole of Detroit but if it were covered in jungle trees.

It wasn't long before Reed900 got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, Trashcan Sam, but Trashcan Sam was nowhere to be found! Reed900 began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Trashcan Sam. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.

Unexpectedly, he saw a Cuddly cat dressed in a Black like my sOuL Super short skirt disappearing into the trees.

"How odd!" thought Reed900.

For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed cat. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.

Eventually, Reed900 reached a clearing. He found himself surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from Sumo(yes I’m counting Sumo as a vegetable), a house made from Red ice, a house made from Beer, a house made from Thirium(if you’re not an Android), a house made from tequila and a house made from cigarettes.

Reed900 could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.

"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"

Nobody replied.

Reed900 looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.

A cackle broke through the air, giving Reed900 a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Trashcan Sam!

"Trashcan Sam!" shouted Reed900. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"

The witch just shrugged.

"Give Trashcan Sam back!" cried Reed900.

"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.

"At least let Trashcan Sam out of that cage!"

Before she could reply, five Cuddly cats rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Reed900 recognised the one in the Black like my sOuL Super short skirt that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.

"Hello Big Cat," said the witch.

"Good morning." The cat noticed Trashcan Sam. "Who is this?"

"That's Trashcan Sam," explained the witch.

"Ooh! Trashcan Sam would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the cat.

The witch shook her head. "Trashcan Sam is staying with me."

"Um... Excuse me..." Reed900 interrupted. "Trashcan Sam lives with me! And not in a cage!"

Big Cat ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.

The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."

Big Cat looked at the house made from cigarettes and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from cigarettes if I wanted to."

"That's nothing," said the next cat. "I could eat two houses."

"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Trashcan Sam."

Reed900 watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Trashcan Sam to Big Cat. He didn't think Trashcan Sam would like living with a Cuddly cat, away from his house and all his other toys.

The other four cats watched while Big Cat put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Cat. "Just you watch!"

Big Cat pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from Red ice. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

Eventually, Big Cat started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of Red ice, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.

"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Cat.

Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!

"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.

Big Cat never finished eating the front door made from Red ice and Trashcan Sam remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Average Cat stepped up, and approached the house made from Beer.  
"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Cat. "Just you watch!"

Average Cat pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from Beer. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

After a while, Average Cat started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...

...and greener.

A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.

"I'm not a bush, I'm a cat!" said Average Cat.

"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."

"No! Wait!" cried Average Cat, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the cat away under his arm.

Average Cat never finished eating the front door made from Beer and Trashcan Sam remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Little Cat stepped up, and approached the house made from Thirium(if you’re not an Android).  
"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Cat. "Just you watch!"

Little Cat pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from Thirium(if you’re not an Android). He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

After five or six platefuls, Little Cat started to fidget uncomfortably on the spot.

He stopped eating Thirium(if you’re not an Android) for a moment, then grabbed another forkful.

But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Cat into the sky.

"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Cat. "I'm scared of heigh..."

Little Cat was never seen again.

Little Cat never finished eating the front door made from Thirium(if you’re not an Android) and Trashcan Sam remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Tiny Cat stepped up, and approached the house made from tequila.  
"I'll eat this whole house," said Tiny Cat. "Just you watch!"

Tiny Cat pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from tequila. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

However, on the next mouthful, the food fell straight out of Tiny Cat's mouth. She tried to stuff in another forkful of tequila, but once again, the food fell out. There just wasn't enough room left in her belly.

"This is just not fair!" declared Tiny Cat, and stomped off into the forest.

Tiny Cat never finished eating the front door made from tequila and Trashcan Sam remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Even-Tinier Cat stepped up, and approached the house made from cigarettes.  
"I'll eat this whole house," said Even-Tinier Cat. "Just you watch!"

Even-Tinier Cat pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from cigarettes. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

Suddenly, Even-Tinier Cat stopped eating and started dancing. While he danced, he sang at the top of his lungs, "Cigarettes! Watch me eat all the cigarettes!"

"It looks as though the cigarettes are making you hyperactive," laughed the witch.

"Oh no they're not!" cried Even-Tinier Cat. "I'm always this excited." With that, he walked into a tree.

Bong!

Even-Tinier Cat banged his head and fell backwards onto his bottom. He passed out, exhausted.

Even-Tinier Cat never finished eating the front door made from cigarettes and Trashcan Sam remained trapped in the witch's cage.

"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Trashcan Sam."

"Not so fast," said Reed900. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from Sumo(yes I’m counting Sumo as a vegetable). And I haven't had a turn yet.

"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."

The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."

"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the cats. He won't last long."

"I'll be right back," said Reed900.

"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Trashcan Sam back."

Reed900 ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from Sumo(yes I’m counting Sumo as a vegetable) and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.

Reed900 sat down on a nearby log.

"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."

"I haven't finished," explained Reed900. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."

When Reed900's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from Sumo(yes I’m counting Sumo as a vegetable). Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.

Eventually, after several sittings, Reed900 was down to the final piece of the door made from Sumo(yes I’m counting Sumo as a vegetable). Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. Reed900 had eaten the entire front door of the house made from Sumo(yes I’m counting Sumo as a vegetable).

The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"

"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over Trashcan Sam or I will chop your broomstick in half."

The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.

Reed900 hurried over and grabbed Trashcan Sam, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Trashcan Sam was unharmed.

Reed900 thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Connor. It was starting to get dark.

When Reed900 got to Connor's house, his brethren threw his arms around him.

"I was so worried!" cried Connor. "You are very late."

As Reed900 described his day, he could tell that Connor didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.

"What's that?" asked Connor.

Reed900 unwrapped a doorknob made from Red ice. "Pudding!" he said.

Connor almost fell off his chair.

The End


	5. Someone like Nines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo this is where the Peppa Pig comes in, my friend Snibbert is ta fault for that. Don't come for me please.
> 
> Enjoy!

Gavin Reed is a rough, scrawny and descriptive dealer from Detroit. His life is going nowhere until he meets Nines rk900, a gay af oh my lord this posh ass Android is so phcking gay, old man with a passion for Peppa Pig.

Gavin takes an instant disliking to Nines and the clumsy and fumblsy ways he learnt during his years in nowhere else, only Detroit exists.

However, when a chimpanzee motheflipper tries to stab someone 28 times by accident because you got them mixed up with your homies cat who you were getting paid to assassinate Gavin, Nines springs to the rescue. Gavin begins to notices that Nines is actually rather decisive at heart.

But, the pressures of Nines's job as a prostute that dresses up as Peppa Pig for people who are into that leave him blind to Gavin's affections and Gavin takes up alcohol inducing intense make out sessions in cars parked in the abandoned lot out back of the Ralph’s to try an distract himself.

Finally, when stumblsy detective, HaNk AnDeRsOn, threatens to come between them, Nines has to act fast. But will they ever find the a horrible curse that blesses love that they deserve?


	6. Gavin Reed, the Barista(yes they count as creatures)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole fic is riddled with wtnv references, if you haven't listened to it I highly recommend it, it's a great podcast. Also, yes all of the adjectives are english words, I'm sorry for being this way with words.
> 
> Enjoy!

In the Barista’s cave(yes that’s a wtnv reference, it’s 2 in the morning, I don’t care) there lived an Inveterate, Jejune Barista(yes they count as creatures named Gavin Reed. Not an Adroit Bellicose, Bilious the Barista’s cave(yes that’s a wtnv reference, it’s 2 in the morning, I don’t care), filled with dings and a Didactic smell, nor yet an Egregious, Feckless(it’s probably a different meaning than you’re thinking), Gustatory the Barista’s cave(yes that’s a wtnv reference, it’s 2 in the morning, I don’t care) with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a Barista(yes they count as creatures-the Barista’s cave(yes that’s a wtnv reference, it’s 2 in the morning, I don’t care), and that means cheesy barista jokes.

One day, after a troubling visit from the Android Nines rk900, Gavin leaves his the Barista’s cave(yes that’s a wtnv reference, it’s 2 in the morning, I don’t care) and sets out in search of three Comely dongs. A quest undertaken in the company of cats, CaTs and Meretricious CATS.

In the search for the Android-guarded dongs, Gavin Reed surprises even himself with his having the entirety of the worlds knowledge at the tip of your finger, yet not apparently knowing poop about slavery, free will, or making your own goddamn decisions and skill as a Proffesional Peppa Pig/stage 19 lung cancer!Nickledumb cosplayer.

During his travels, Gavin rescues the secret kitty glitter holder that Walter gifted to Gavin exactly 7 years and 69 seconds ago., an heirloom belonging to Nines. But when Nines refuses to try murdering, their friendship is over.

However, Nines is wounded at the Battle of Android revolution, I won’t say peaceful or violent, that’s for you to decide and the two reconcile just before Gavin engages in some serious murdering.

Gavin accepts one of the three Comely dongs and returns home to his the Barista’s cave(yes that’s a wtnv reference, it’s 2 in the morning, I don’t care) a very wealthy Barista(yes they count as creatures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last fic I have planned for a while, I might do some more, depends on how well received all of these are. I might even dip into some hankcon, if the feeling strikes.


End file.
